You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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