I think my fart just growled at me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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