he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
