I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
