Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize