At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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