my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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