Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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