areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
