Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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