i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
