I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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