I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
