Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
