my being single is dangerous.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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