Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
