I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
