Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's blow job season.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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