I could make wine with my vomit
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
