you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
