Yo dont text me then not text me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
