they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
