I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
