My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
