So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
