OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize