I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
