so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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