I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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