Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
