don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
