I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
