You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
