if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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