dude i'm inner monologue high
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
