the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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