This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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