Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
