Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
