Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How's work?
Spinning.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
