if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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