I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
