Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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