Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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