Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
