Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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