and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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