I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
