Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
