I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
