Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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