so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
