Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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