woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
