i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
