why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
