I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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