wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
