remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
