god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
