I wanna bring you to show and tell
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
