Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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