Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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