the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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