Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
