Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
